scholarship is go!

After receiving my official scholarship forms in the mail on Friday, I put them in my purse, and promptly forgot about them. Not that it would have done me much good to remember them over the three-day weekend, but I did have a bit of a jumpy holycrap! moment when I suddenly remembered I had yet to fill them out and return them.

Done and done.

At some point in the unspecified future, I will receive a check in the mail, and I will do a little dance. A four-thousand-dollar dance.

woo-hoo!

Hooray! I just received this email:


Dear Angela:

Congratulations! I am pleased to inform you that you have been selected to receive one of the Bridging Scholarships for Study Abroad in Japan in 2010-2011. The Selection Committee members read and evaluated more than 500 applications for the 80 scholarships that have been awarded, and were impressed with the quality of your application and your enthusiasm about studying in Japan. You can justly be proud of your achievement.

A letter is on its way to you by post that contains some more information about the scholarship. In the same envelope is an information and acceptance form that we ask you to complete and return to us by mail or fax by June 12, 2010. It asks you to formally accept the Bridging Scholarship, and to provide some more information on your program in Japan. We also ask for addresses and contact numbers that will be reliable until the time of your departure for Japan, so that we will be able to send you the check for your scholarship stipend; we especially want to confirm your e-mail address, as that will be the quickest and easiest way to contact you.

If you do not receive the letter in the mail by June 3, could you please let me know via e-mail?

Thanks very much. I look forward to corresponding with you further during the summer.


Susan Schmidt, Executive Director
Bridging Project for Study Abroad in Japan
Association of Teachers of Japanese
240 Humanities, UCB 279
University of Colorado, Boulder, CO 80309

one week

It occurred to me today, while I was standing in line at the cafeteria, that all the student visa applications will be filed by Temple on June 1. That's only seven days away. I don't know how much longer it will take for approval, but I'm getting really anxious.

As soon as our visas are approved, Temple will invoice me for the balance due (not covered by financial aid, of course), and the only thing standing betweeen me and Japan is a tiny apartment filled to the brim with crap. I'm so excited!!

As a matter of fact, I'm so excited that I'm not even worrying about the apartment chaos. I am moving to Japan. I am moving to Japan. I am moving to Japan, and I'm taking my sweetheart with me, and it is going to be the adventure of a lifetime. I really am so very excited, and I can't stop thinking about it.

Keep yr fingers crossed.

on a completely unrelated note

This is Lonewolf. I buried him here in Portland seven years ago this month. I knew that by doing so, I was cementing myself—and all our intertwined memories—in this town I moved to expressly to be in love with him.

My dream of moving to Japan grew slowly. When it finally materialized, it was such a distant hope that I didn't really even dare assume its reality. Now, the time is upon us, and I have to leave behind this town and these memories and that body I put into the ground.


I guess you could say I'm having a hard time with that.

I am not second guessing myself, and I'm not backing out of my plans for the future. I'm just finding it more painful than I expected to walk away from the past.

2010 was the first year I did not set aside the anniversary of that fateful day in May when I learned what happens when life comes to a grinding halt. I made plans, and I intentionally went about my day like it was any other. Granted, by the time it was over, I was laying on a table in a doctor's office, moaning about back pain and begging for prescriptions. But I decided it would be best if I celebrated him by letting this one thing go, and I guess it didn't turn out that well. Not that my back pain and my memories are completely related.

Another thing I promised myself after Lonewolf died was to always remember this: I am still alive. As painful as that may seem at any given time, I refused to allow myself to wallow in that sadness. Because the pain and sadness of believing you will be better soon, checking into the hospital with hope, then dying suddenly, gasping for air...that pain certainly far exceeded anything I have yet felt. His pain was worse. His dying was worst. I just have to keep going.

I bring all this up now because, seven years later, it can still hit me like a ton of bricks. I go longer stretches without the crippling sadness, but when it reappears, it feels almost like it did that first night. Almost, but (honestly) not quite.

And now I'm leaving. I'm packing up, and moving away, and I'm leaving him behind. I still have his letters and his things; I still have my tattoos and my pictures. But I'm leaving him behind, and I'm finding it hard to forgive myself for that.

I'll let go. I'll walk through the cemetery and I'll take one more picture of his grave, and then I'll get in the car, and I'll drive away. And I suppose that if that doesn't kill me, then I don't know what will.

not even close

I said to my Japanese teacher today that, what with getting plane tickets and having received my financial aid award letter, my last major hurdle is getting my visa. And that's...mostly true.

Don't get me wrong. I still spend the majority of my time worrying how long it will take, why isn't it here, why isn't it here, why isn't it here?! My contact at TUJ (who answers my many frequent, paranoid questions) seemed to imply it's simply a matter of course at this point. Being the person I am, though, I refuse to get ahead of myself. I refuse to accept anything as a done deal until the evidence is in my hot little hands.

In the mean time, looking around the apartment, I have to admit the biggest hurdle is probably the insurmountable heap of shit before me. Jarrett and I have lived in this apartment for longer than we have been married, and we're edging six years. That is, honestly, the longest I have continuously lived anywhere in my entire life. We haven't done too badly, what with this only being a one-bedroom, but there is a reason I affectionately refer to our cozy nest as The Shitpit.

There is a lot to do. There are at least three or four lots to do. And here's the rub: what with needing money for this big hullabaloo, we keep picking up extra shifts at work. Any time not spent shoveling popcorn, baking bagels, studying Japanese, sweeping floors or eating is predominantly spent sleeping. Craigslisting has sort of fell by the wayside. Now, with the quiet clicking into place of puzzle pieces, I am half tempted to simply sell the most valuable stuff first, beginning at the top of the list, and simply close the apartment door and walk away at the end of July.

If you know me, you know I'm kidding.

If I learned anything from my Mom, it was how to clean up after myself. Then again, my mom has a bit of a sneaky side. Let's just call it a sparkle in the eye of a woman who probably hasn't told me all of her really good stories yet! Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I probably won't.

But a girl can dream.

one more hurdle

As predicted, my financial aid award letter was pretty close to exactly what I thought it would be. As usual, there was a whole lot of panicking before needed. If I didn't now have to drain my savings account to come up with the $3200 I am short, I would see a doctor for a prescription of sedatives!

One small quirk: my letter stated that my award was based upon my plans to live off-campus. I would love to have a cute little studio of my own somewhere outside of Tokyo, however, my first semester will be spent in TUJ housing. Technically, all their housing is off-campus, as it would be prohibitively expensive to build dorms in Ginza, but I'm now awaiting an email response to find out if that's a clerical error.

Wouldn't it be sweet if I got a little extra money?

Yeah, I won't hold my breath.

yipes!

Just got my Temple financial aid package in the mail on my way out the door. In class now; more later.